


a closed box and the silence of earth or ashes

by stationlittle



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 04:36:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12204003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stationlittle/pseuds/stationlittle
Summary: Written for the Betrayal theme of @meflashfanwork.Focused on Kaidan and his feelings about Shepard coming back from the dead and joining Cerberus.





	a closed box and the silence of earth or ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the poem What the Dead Don't Need by Faith Shearin. Thank you Jamie for betareading!

1\. The woman you love dies. You spend your days crying and your nights getting little sleep thinking about her. You think about how much you love her and about her future, now destroyed. Everything else that she could have accomplished, with or without you. She had that spark that others didn't have. She could have done it all, and now she's gone.  
  
2\. The anger is constant for months, until finally, you decide to let go. Being like this, it won't bring her back. Besides, she wouldn't like it. She would tell you it's not like you at all. You feel ashamed.  
  
3\. There are rumors. You don't listen to them until they grow persistent. Shepard is back, they say. You think - know - it's bull because they say she's with Cerberus now. It's ridiculous. There is no such thing as bringing someone back from the dead, no matter how much you wish it would be possible. And finally, Shepard would never be with a terrorist organization. Never.  
  
4\. You get sent on this need-to-know hush-hush assignment to Horizon, a colony where no one wants to see you (as they've told you every day since you got there). You are quite tense, quite unhappy, but most of all, you feel like your anger is back. Anger that people are spreading lies about a dead woman, anger that they're projecting, that they're ruining Shepard's reputation and name.  
  
5\. You see her. She's alive, and she's with Cerberus.  
  
6\. When you come back to your room, you lose it. You fall on the ground and cry the way you cried when she had just died. The anger is there, but this time it's not against the people who are talking. It's against her. You misjudged her, and that, more than anything, is crushing you.  
  
7\. You miss the Normandy like one misses a limb. Time passes though, as it always does, and when you see the ship grounded on Earth, it makes you sad. That ship is meant to fly high, just like Shepard was.  
  
8\. There is no time for reconciliation, not really. A bit of clearing the air, but that doesn't really help. Shepard is frustrated with you. Joker tells you to tone it down. You want to tell him he doesn't understand. She didn't even tell you she was alive. Not even a message, nothing. Joker says it would have been impossible anyway, that you were deep off the grid. You tell him she probably didn't even ask about you or where you were. She didn't care. He tells you you're wrong, but you don't listen. That's when he screams at you. _Man, what happened to you?_ You don't tell him but he knows. You're broken.  
  
9\. She comes to see you and says you were the first person she thought about as she woke up. She talks about the facility, the mechs, Miranda's voice in her ear, about not feeling like she had a choice. Barely awaken and already on her way to Freedom's Progress. She tells you about the shock, to find out she had died, and yet not having a single memory of those past two years. She gives you a tired smile and explains how utterly different her body feels, yet her mind is still the same. Sharp and always attuned to you. She says she kept asking about you, but no one would tell her where you were, not even Anderson. Seeing you on Horizon, she says, was like breathing again. She understands, though. She figures it's too late, but at least she wants to tell you. She missed you like you missed her.  
  
10\. Tears fall down and a part of you feels terrible about taking comfort in the fact that the sadness you felt, she felt it too. It just makes it real, this thing you two had. You didn't dream it all. You tell her you always felt like she would have a bright future and Cerberus was the opposite of that, but maybe...maybe, you didn't consider what it was like for her. You didn't have all the facts, yet you judged. You're sorry. You're sorry, and you missed her so fucking much. Can you two start over now? Can you take her in your arms? She nods.  
That night, you fall asleep listening to her breathing. There are so many things that need to be said, that need to be fixed, but still. You're lucky she's here.


End file.
